West Desert Journal by Nathan Cowlishaw

I’m like the coyote, often careless, reckless, and naive even in my late twenties. Okay, I have to confess something publicly, I acted out on my insecurities. It was very reckless and I may have said some mean things. I didn’t realize they may be taken that way until after I reread the words. Be careful what you say to another human being. Words are like tooth-paste. Once it’s out of the tube, it’s hard to get back in. I am sensitive, irrational, illogical, and dream too much. Empathy is not always my strong point hence why I need to be much more proactive when it comes to dealing with the people in my life.

Faith is required in all human relationships. Faith is confidence to replace fear. Life requires deep roots as the reality will wear one thin. My grandfather was rooted deep. That’s why he was married 50 plus years. Take time to learn how to suppress those insecurities and don’t let them damage the ones you love or care about. Often you will not even realize when you hurt someone. Be unconditional and slow to react. The better you are at this, the more you will be loved by some, and praised by others.

First off, I finally have something to write about and it concerns my earlier life. This is what I call introspection. When I was in grade school I hopelessly teased, ridiculed, and made fun of. In the sixth grade I wore a hat that proclaimed, “I love my Grandpa!” The other school children made fun of me because I dressed like a country boy and was living in Salt Lake City at the time. Basically, I was country when country wasn’t cool and I didn’t jive with city kids. I wasn’t good at sports, neither. So the combination made me the class clown.

In a way, I feel like I was dealt a great injustice but it empowered me to be self-dependent, to survive alone this world. That’s where it all begins. This is what makes me personally sovereign. By my definition of that, it means being a citizen to yourself first and foremost before giving allegiance to anything or anyone else. I’m a warrior against the injustices in the world and I’ve learned to be that way from personal struggles. I was bullied in school and now I stand against those that destroy beauty.

There’s a reason I’m an outlaw and a rebel against this modern world because I hear the voices on the wind and dream of deepness and darkness of rivers. My dreams are strong and powerful just like the thunderstorm off in the distance or the coyote that crosses the road. My heart allows me to take a stand against the injustices in the world and I want to become a warrior spirit against those that harm the beauty in this world.

The Creator gave me a heart that is true and pure. The truth is, I am not afraid of getting my heart broken or hurt. Life is beautiful and it’s the challenging experiences that count most. In the end, my deepest charms are reserved for the girl that wins my heart. All others will be friend-zoned.

We drove out to Area 51 in the middle of the night which turned into a big misadventure. Actually, it wasn’t a misadventure at all. Well it was, but it wasn’t. And it wasn’t even my idea. You see, there’s this girl I was studying with at Southern Utah University and after we finished up she suggested that we drive to Area 51 in Southern Nevada in the middle of the night. I don’t think she realized that I would do such a thing. Most guys aren’t crazy. Well, she’s crazy and I realized how much fun it would be. So we went hippie and took two of our friends along and drove to Area 51 in the middle of the night. The plan was to pull an all night adventure. So with a wild hair we left Southern Utah for Area 51. I’ve never visited the place in the middle of the night and the inspiration behind it was impressive.

So we began the journey leaving Cedar City around 10 PM. On our way we stopped in Modena, Utah next to some rotting antique buildings from the 19th century. They were all boarded up and looked mysterious in the headlights of a parked SUV. We also stood next to the tracks as a train flew by. The energy of the beast rattled the ground like a land slide and whipped the dark wind creating the most intense sensation of freedom. We stood within a few feet of the passing train with our arms all stretched stretched to the sky. It’s these little moments that grow on you and burn into memory. It’s why people go on adventures; to experience life which is way too short. It’s why love has so much power. I love life. Now back to the story…

This crazy girl is Aleicia. Don’t ask me where she came from. I call her the rock chip repair girl. That’s how my amigos and I met her. She fixes rock chips on peoples’ windows next to one of our favorite country fast food joints in Cedar City called Top Spot. They have a plastic cow on the roof that makes the whole town laugh and you can get bonafide country store ice-cream for a buck! Well I take it back, it isn’t just ice cream; it’s a home-made/hand-made shake that costs a dollar. That’s how I met this amazing girl, Aleicia, telling her about Country Store Ice Cream while she was inspecting a rock chip on my wind-shield.

After leaving Modena, we crossed the Nevada state line around midnight and took a pit-stop in Pioche in Lincoln County, Nevada. We walked into a haunted motel with a reputation for ghosts. The town itself is of high red-neck quality, the towns-folk are very unusual and sometimes suspicious of outsiders. Some of them are storytellers of the the old west or descendants of outlaws. There’s not much to see in the middle of the night so we took pictures on the empty main as fluorescent street lights eliminated ancient buildings in strange white isolation. It is said when Pioche was first established as a mining camp in the late 1800s, over 76 people died in shoot-outs and cold blooded murder before anyone passed on of natural causes. So the town never gained the same notoriety as Tombstone or Dodge City but it was more lawless than both those towns combined. Pioche was nearly invisible on the vast frontier, being on edge of the Mojave wilderness and the Southern Fringe of the Great Basin.

The Great Basin enormous and covers most of Nevada. The geographical characteristics are usually valleys that stretch for dozens of miles with sparse mountain ranges popping up like islands in the sea. You can drive down an empty highway and never see another motorist for hours on end, even in the middle of the summer during tourist season. I once ran out of gas on my way to Baker, Nevada once and was stranded on the roadside for five hours before an RV came along with spare can of gas. This is why I love that country!

We didn’t stay long in Pioche but we stopped briefly at Cathedral Gorge State Park for a moon-lit hike through strange badlands formations and joked and teased in the dark of night. What an eerie place as it reminded me of a time when Skinwalkers and Chupacobras lurk in the shadows of Juniper and Pinion and coyotes howl in the sage. We watched one of the last thunderheads of summer pour down on the desert, and the lightning show was reminiscent of fireworks but it was natural and beautiful. We were soon driving through the downpour on our way to Nevada’s secret military base but the federal government still denies its existence!

Around 2-3 AM we arrived in the shambled ruins of Rachel, Nevada, on the northern boundary of Area 51. It doesn’t even look like a town at all. There’s the Little Ale’inn which is the major gathering place of UFO enthusiasts and alien experts from all over the world. Before arriving there, we took pictures of otherworldly grafitti; little green men with big bug eyes painted on buildings and water tanks. The rural decay around Rachel is amazing because of the extra terrestrial memorabilia that has become quite nostalgic. We stopped briefly at the inn to photograph the famous sign there, while looking up at shooting stars. That is one evening I will never forget.

We finally ventured down one of the back roads to the border of Area 51, to a gated entrance that was heavily lit. We approached the signs that say. “Use of Deadly Force, Authorized.” We parked the Blazer about twenty feet from the gate in the lights of a watch-tower and observed a unmarked military guard walking in the darkness. He was wearing what looked like a space suite and no one ever came to talk to us. They knew we were there long before we arrived. That’s all we witnessed of Area 51. We never saw strange lights, just a few shooting stars… There’s not much else to see and it’s not all that spectacular. We went out there because it was important that we actually had the experience. We set a goal and we accomplished our initiative. It is important to follow through on your initiatives just like it’s important for a climber on Mt. Everest to reach the summit. We accomplished our mission, but it came with a price.

To be continued…

The beauty of life cannot be controlled or pushed. There is joy in the indescribable and mysterious. When you journey into unknown places the mystery never fully reveals itself. For many seasons I have explored vast distances and realized how grateful I am for experience. I have loved every adventure and misadventure. Every adventure has its story, definition and teachable moment. Listen to the things that are fading in this world and let’s not forget the beauty around us. Let’s not let apathy and ignorance ruin our spirits or let the mass production of western materialism deteriorate our lives. You have to separate yourself from this mass consumption of inhumanity and greed. When you choose to become aware, and stir the humanity in others, you realize the harmony that you are bringing back. There has to be something in your life that you are willing to fight for. You have to be a warrior spirit and take a stand for what you feel is right.

It seems that people just aren’t passionate though? We have allowed ourselves to be dumbed down and preoccupied with procrastination. As a society we have become lazy consumers and it’s hurting us. We have to step away from that and become personally sovereign. It takes sacrifice to step away from the easy and set higher goals to reach. As I write this, I hear singers on a drum playing their music in perfect unison and harmony. I love the sound of native music, like the social pow-wow songs, and the native flute. Call me a member of the Wannabe Nation, but I cannot stop listening to their voices and hearing the hope and power in their chanting. My politics stem from hearing those voices and remembering what’s really important in this world.

Now I am thinking of what’s happening in my life and will start leaving more entries on my journal for a special person who enjoys reading what I have to say. . . Thanks for the inspiration and you know who you are!

Racism isn’t just random acts of hate; everyone is infected with it. Racism is ignorance and peoples’ refusal to walk in the shoes of people who are different than them. Racism is apathy and a refusal to learn both sides of the story. Racism is the refusal to ask hard questions. Last of all, I see a racist as someone who believes so strongly in race that they fight extra hard trying to defend a false construct.

Life is good but how do you rid yourself of bad behavior like procrastination? It’s not healthy or desirable. The worst kind of activity is unproductivity. Life is about setting goals and progress happens one step at a time. It’s not a simple matter because it takes a conscious effort and some faith.

Being on Earth every day is the ultimate experience but it’s hard to know the outcome. My father always said; “the choices you make now will ripple into your future.” I’ve felt the ripples of my choices and they were unanticipated. NATE, you’re time on this planet is limited so make wise decisions, please!

I love certainty and knowing what’s going to happen, or where the road may lead. So many people are content to float around. There’s nothing wrong with it but I’m captain of my destiny because I choose the life I create. Not everything happens by chance. That’s why it’s important when considering every opportunity that comes along.

It’s been a beautiful week at the end of the semester. School is done as we move forward into summer. I’ve got plans. Big changes are coming into my life one step at a time. Never be afraid to dream big and strive for the best outcome. Many individuals wait for the wind to hit their sail but there’s a paddle in my boat!

It’s time for me to call it quits on being a summer tour guide. That means staying home and having a real social life. For the past five years, I have been either traveling or working somewhere on a ranch! It’s spectacular but I’ll admit even the best adventuring grows old. I want a family someday and it isn’t going to happen if I’m always moving. The desert and the road trips are amazing but I’m ready to anchor myself and get down to business with dating. I’ll type my thoughts daily and get in the habit of doing so. Right now, it feels super random when I have not written anything in months. It’s a rough start so stay-tuned!

Don’t think of love cause it’s not real.
A little rest would do me good.
I’m ridin this ol’ Greyhound from
Utah to Arizonaland and it isn’t too bad.
I close my eyes or
watch the clouds out the tinted windows.
Don’t think of love.
Just listen to the old timer
pickin the banjo in the headphones,
singing the Crawdad Song.
There isn’t any going back,
cept to moving forward and keeping a real dream.
Because beauty comes deep from the center.
I’ve been tellin a story of how the impossible happened,
But a story is all it was.
The landscape unfolds in front of the road
under the black desert sun.

Somewhere in the day to day continuity, you wish for some kind of escape from reality. Vanity rules our minds because we are emotional creatures. There is no logic concerning human behavior. Beyond all the static, our most basic desires are not always realized. Could it be we don’t always venture beyond where we feel comfortable?

In the maze, there is a way past all the dead-ends. There is always a way from start to finish. The clues are there to build endurance. Being aware of the possibilities requires being calm and having faith. Life is about those unexpected events that bring you closer to your objective or push you away. Be ready for all kinds of setbacks. There are many stumbling blocks that will hinder your journey.

It’s all about finding a way, with a will-power that is in your heart. It’s in the motivation and ambition that you invest. The current that can drown you is strong and this is where you have to succeed or fail. It is up to only you to find a way, if you choose to survive. What I am saying is, life is beautiful but never easy. This is reality. If you want to survive, there is no room for self-pity. Survival is rooted in a person being happy and content in their own lives without having to rely on others for that joy. That’s the secret.

The objective is to live strong and find that personal sovereignty in a world of greed and materialism. God has designed natural mechanisms in every human being to build success. We are hard-wired to be tough, to survive, and outlast every storm. Every worthy pursuit requires serious courage and risk. Disappointment has to be accepted as commonplace.

There is only one way to success, it’s in you! You have to be the persistent dreamer. You have to know what to do and what you want. Your heart has to be tough during hard times. The choices you make in this regard will determine your outcome.

While introspecting I had to record a few thoughts because I don’t really have a journal anywhere. So maybe it’s good to write it here on a blog. At least a few ideas emerge, maybe? If someone is reading this and benefits, then I am glad. If you wish to add your thoughts, please do so!

The flashes
of your life
ignite
into memory

According to Oscar Wilde, “the truth is rarely pure and never simple.” In my heart, I want nothing more than the truth and that desire is pure and simple.

I think the quality of life in more important than the length of life. Please folks, recognize the beauty that is right in front of you!

The way I see landscape is the simplicity of it; away from the commotion. Most tourists and travelers hit the national parks around my homeland of Southern Utah but as a local I travel to areas that foreign outsiders never see. I look for surviving elements of the old west and before; I seek out original places that seem to withstand modern colonialism. These places remain very beautiful long after everything else has changed or morphed. Of course, I do not believe in pristine wilderness but the wild in whatever shape or form still speaks volumes, even where humans do change everything.

We are selfish and lonely creatures. We get too busy with our miniature lives. In a static world of big cities and forgotten dreams we tend to trample over more important things and forget others are feeling the exact same heartbreak. In the commotion I stand back and listen to the buzzing static and yearn for silence. So many opportunities wait to be seized. Often we simply overlook such chances or don’t realize that they’ve come and gone. I have passed up many good opportunities in my life and now ponder on what happened and what went wrong? It’s called experiencing the ripples of things I did in my younger years. I made allot of wrong choices. Still, I am young and hopefully waking up to subtle hints that will guide me to further opportunities. My hope is that not all is lost. Blessings await! My prejudices are only second nature because my heart is in tune with the mistakes that I have made.

At this moment of realization, the only real idea is to keep moving forward into the future. So this current frame of time is all that matters. We are not alone in this world, neither in the universe. There is something out there so much bigger than us. The tower of stars climbs the stairways of heaven. Earth is a speck in the fleece but it is incorporated into a system teaming with spectacular mysteries and visions.

Life is beautiful and we all have dreams no matter how insignificant we may feel, so don’t be lonely. Have peace and remain calm. We are not alone. There is something much bigger than us. Let your heart tune into this. Listen to the wind slicing through pines. Enjoy the purple skies of a luminous sunset. Live life to the fullest! Please, do not worry yourself because there is something much, much bigger than us. You must have faith and hope for things which are not seen but are true.

There are two individuals that have influenced me heavily in their outlook; Chris McCandless and Everett Ruess. Both discovered truth in ways most will never imagine. They saw a beauty as distant and far away as the stars. It was ignited through their visions and words. Everette explains my sentiments so well and I have affinity for his thoughts:

“I have always been unsatisfied with life as most people live it. Always I want to live more intensely and richly. why muck and conceal one’s true longings and loves, when by speaking of them one might find someone to understand them, and by acting on them one might discover oneself?” — Everett Ruess

Nate doesn’t kill rattlers, instead he talks to them and says sorry for trespassing whenever he meets one. He must have a soft spot for rattlers and humans who behave similarly?

I ponder the precious and rare beauty of this world. The quiet that is. The sun rises in the east igniting the purple twilight while canyon birds join serenading crickets. The arms of orange light touch the tips of canyon rim and I am lost somewhere between eternity and pure love. This is life and we are on this journey of ruggedness called reality. This wilderness feels closer to faraway from all of life’s travails. The sunrise comes and then passes into oblivion never to be repeated.

The wind still whispers the ancient past as it travels through pinion. I hear them passing through here as if it were the present. They come out of the trees like lone drifting cloud shadows. They bring with them the stories!

Images dance. From out of the past, they come. Even with uncertain modern times, they dance. A great change is coming. Just around the bend, it’s on the verge of waking. The world is about to change forever. Brace yourselves. Think of the peaceful rain, rolling thunder; what happened long ago. These old ways are not forgotten.

And this is what is called mystery. Listen.

Can you hear it? Coming?

In a few words to keepin it short
My heart trembles
for Coyote Kate.

In winter, the wind whistles
over the dark Uintahs
through steep strange canyons
of sandstone and shadow.

The beauty of that country is composed of
lost gold mines, dinosaur graves
and chocked oil deposits -

a wild territory haunted
by coyotes, cowboys, ramblers ‘n such
even the ghosts of
departed prospectors.

as the sun sets
in the freeze of winter
you can feel the hint
of a deep conundrum
plaguing the
land of the Utes.

in quiet discontent
an independent Woman known
as Coyote Kate wonders
the streets of Vernal,
a town of oil drillers
river runners ‘n more.

there is something unusual to Her
silence that causes Me to conspire
as She moves about.

far away to the south
She rides the quiet canyons
and labyrinths of a dream.

I used to engage every adventure
into the forested hills.
I would follow the shimmering light
that appeared in the distance.
yet, I never felt fully content

until She crossed My mind.

A couple of years ago I was giving a Hummer tour in the Grand Canyon with a bunch of Back Easterners. It was mid-July and about 110 degrees Fahrenheit, outside. We pulled off the rocky road road to take a short break and stretch. The road winds it’s way down into the inner gorge of the canyon via Whitemore Wash to river mile marker 187 on the Colorado River. It is one of only two access points that can get you that close to the river in a 4×4. During the break we walked over to a cluster of Barrel Cactus and I began some interpretation on the flora of Grand Canyon when all a sudden we heard the doors lock automatically on the Hummer. Silence fell over the group. It didn’t take long to realize that the keys were still in the ignition and all the windows were rolled up.

For the next 45 minutes we debated and conspired in the shade of the Hummer, trying to figure out what to do? We were 6 miles from the lodge which would require hiking all the way up out of Whitmore Wash and out of the canyon. Nobody had water. That wasn’t even a choice for various reasons. Finally we grabbed a sharp basketball sized piece of basalt and proceeded to knock out the back window of the vehicle, then continued the tour. That was a teachable moment. What did I learn? I learned to always keep the windows cracked on a vehicle that has automatic locks!

The other teachable moment hit me later up at the lodge. My boss had me fill out an incident report and he called in for a price quote on a window replacement. I was surprised to learn the repair would cost around 800 dollars. Had I knocked out the windshield, it would have been around 200 dollars. The the next six months I was the butt of quite a few jokes.

All of this was on my mind today. Little moments like these educate you. The mistakes you make are teachable moments. They are experiences that create an impact that are still recalled years down the road.

by Nathan Cowlishaw

The snow covers the land in a thick white blanket with sunshine sparkling all over the mountains and trees. The sky is hard turquoise with soft clouds traveling over the new winter-land. For three days it snowed continuously. It reminds me of the deep heart of Navajoland near the Four-Corners, Arizona. This is the Escalante Desert around Cedar City, Utah, which is usually brown and thirsty. This past summer monsoon storms were disappointingly scarce compared to what I remember as a child when rain would turn streets into rivers around town.

I miss those times traveling around the Navajo Reservation in the dead of winter back when I was a tour guide. Driving across a white snow packed Monument Valley was sheer beauty and stark winter clouds cloaking mesas and red sandstone buttes. That was quiet heaven on Mother Earth. I miss the orange crimson sunsets flooding the snow-decked plateaus chocked with Juniper and Pinion. As I was traveling, my mind would drift in and out of reality because the beauty would carry me far away. It would take me to another time in the past when things were sacred and simple. It was a place free from pop-culture nonsense and mindless vanity to a real heartfelt existence of solitude and hardship. There was a time when struggling was the main line of work and labor and you really had to tow the line to survive but you could listen to the storytellers instead of televisions and radios.

Winter is a harsh season but well worth the endurance. I love it in the Colorado Plateau and Great Basin. Tonight, I am dreaming of the supernatural. Something roams those white hills in the night. I am writing this as long after that turquoise sky turned to night. It is starting to snow this evening and people travel through it on interstates, being careful not slide or wreck. We need the moisture very bad so it is the perfect trade-off. It is the time to thoroughly enjoy Cabin Fever, be with loved ones and dwell in the past.

I wish there was someone around tonight to tell my stories to. There’s no one around to share my tales of the past, of what happened so long ago. If you are patient with me, I have many many stories. A lot of them are not written. My stories are for skeptics and nonbelievers and they are unreal to believers. When I get old, my grandchildren will have the opportunity to hear the stories and I will hope they will pass them on down. My life is short but I am determined to make the most of it. The Creator has blessed me tremendously.

Thankyou, Heavenly Father, for the beauty in this world and for allowing me to see it and realize!

The Dream of Reality

Basically
you are a dreamer
and I am a realist.

A dreamer is like the sky, intangible
where a realist is like the earth, tangible.

That doesn’t matter
as long as they both have a vision

When they possess that vision
it would make sense
that the earth and sky
are actually made for each other.

They do become one
where they meet.

And when they are one
they sustain everything.

by Nathan Cowlishaw
& Angela Perry

The heart knows not reason just what it feels. It isn’t any more complex then a child that likes to play in all their innocence. So because the heart is like a little child it doesn’t always know better and it makes so many mistakes. Perhaps that is why logic is there to keep it in check so it doesn’t run too wild. My heart knows love and can hardly be contained. It leads me into a lot of pain on occasion. I’m learning to keep it in check but I also listen to it more then anything else.

I’m kind of a rebel when listening to my logic because most my dreams come from the heart and it has never led me astray. Yes, I know pain and affliction but I also know the greatest forms of happiness and joy because I have always listened to the heart. Whether it’s hearing the spirit of the wild or the mysterious soul of a woman, I always listen.

Even when I feel pain, the heart inspires me to write and formulate words properly so that you can read what I am feeling. The love of life keeps me going strong and gets me through the hardest times. The relationship I have with my heart is the truest form of love. My spirit is strong and compassionate because of what my heart has done. I thank the Great Master for giving me such a gifted heart.

Away from darkness a dreamer’s journey begins towards incredible healing. His vision conjures up images from the bottoms of waking hours. Those spent thoughts were turning up nothing. The imagination was sad because it did it all in vein and trial.

Yet, here he wanders beneath the shield of sky, crossing the beautiful Desert that flows through him like a river. Out there is where all of the hidden wounds have been sewn. When young, he knew not his fear. Now he knows.

This is my own walk on the Red Road across a cheerful landscape, a vista of quality and color. The bad things in my life are forgotten. They matter not. They are just small thoughts easily cast from the mind. In peace, I shout it all out until I feel unworldly silence.

A bush, a stone, the sound of crickets, a river in the mountains; all of it is beauty. The meadowlark hides in the sunflowers sounding it’s incredible whistles. The desert heals my worn-out soul and renews the spirit. The deepness thereof is possessive and I am a castaway. As far as I am concerned the raft may carry me forever.

Supernatural clouds sail along the bronze horizon and I hear the beating heart of our Mother Earth. I am grateful for all of creation. The ageless wind stirs the forces of life and I am in the corners of God’s imagination. Free of any pain I may have suffered.

My love is the wilderness and those that destroy beauty are my enemies. I am personally sovereign and free.

An old wise fellow
came and spoke to me
he was the big cottonwood tree.

That old familiar wanderlust is coming back and I am once again listening to the wind. Talk about footloose! Why is it happening? It’s like Jack London’s Call of the Wild. I am fighting a strong temptation to flee and travel into desolation, isolation and utter solitude. One day I may tempt fate and head into the unknown… I’m listening to the chaotic-symphonic chorus of crickets outside my backyard door with two blue heelers sleeping in the tall grass. Their feet twitch in miniature spasms as if they are sprinting in their dog-dreams. Animals do have visions.

Much time has passed and it will continue. With each passing day I get older and hopefully wiser. When will my restless heart tire and my wild passions break? Yes, I am a crazy dreamer disconnected from everyone. It really seems that I live in dreams. It’s hard for me to understand anything else other than howling winds rushing through pines.

Please… if you are reading this. Come and talk to me and tell me how you feel? Try to help me find affinity and relatedness with you so that we can both understand our humanity; so we can communicate intelligibly because we are surrounded by a chaotic-psychotic world of greed. Come and lets find harmony in the simple. It would be so nice to connect with other dreamers. Are you one of them? If you are, how far have you traveled to my little abode? Because I have been traveling far and wide. As it has been said before; the more I learn the less I know.

I have in my possession an incredible beauty that can never be put down. When I discovered it, it became apart of me. It is what I am. I defend it with all my heart!